Being The Best Loser You Can Be

Don't you ever think that to be an all-time Loser is any way a walk in the park. "Winning" is hard work, try being a total loser --- it's an extraordinary feat.

Achieving greatness in life is so commonplace and tacky. Do you have any idea at all how to aspire to be mediocre? And the challenge of sustainability? Consistent mediocrity? You think it's easy?

Well tell you what, I can share with you a few tricks of the trade, if you are serious about becoming a TRUE LOSER. Let me warn you, if you are not careful, you might just have greatness thrown upon you, it pays to be prepared and cautious, otherwise you might just end up failing and start winning.

• Think Loser. Why even attempt at earning a decent means of living? Mooch. You will never run out of family or friends that are suckers for parasites like you. Exhaust this resource.
• Sleep In. Come on, why become a worm and be an early riser? As they say, the general rule is, everything important happens before lunch. So wake up one or two hours AFTER lunch. You don't want to have to catch anything important. Let the distressed strivers take their morning run or walk whilst you snore.
• Be absolutely blameless. If you never step to the plate to take on some responsibility, you will never be at fault. Never say yes to ANY responsibility or even relationships. Relationships require effort, sacrifice, doing things and being inconvenienced, listening to things you don't really want to. So why mess it all up? If you are able to protect yourself this way, then you will never be blamed. Spotless.
• Avoid Failure.  The best way to avoid pain, rejection, frustration and failing is not to try at all. And if by some odd trick of fate you find yourself on the spot, then expect to lose. Just surrender early, no pressure. You have managed to avoid tension, angst, self-doubt, the whole blah-blah.
• Be obnoxious. If you think this is too lame, then be rude. A true blue loser has no friends. If you find yourself getting a wee bit attached to anyone at all, sleep with his boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse (if in case they are too young, sleep with any of his parents); and say something really mean to him/her. That way, anyone who even attempts to be close is within arm's length.

If you can stick by these simple rules of Loser-dom, then you are on your way to becoming the best loser you can be!

She's Just NOT Into You

I decided to post about this subject mainly to even out the playing field. I find the rules of engagement rather skewed towards the other gender. As I recall, they even made a book and movie out of "He's Not Just That Into You" and probably even killed it.
Well it's about time someone from the other side of the planet wrote something truthfully (or close enough) to spell this out, in the most simple terms as possible for easy read and hopefully, understanding.
I know, it's being ambitious. 
Arguably, our exceptional species find it difficult to decide amongst things or people that we actually LIKE. However, when we DON'T like, it's pretty much written on the walls in bold letters. Even a crocodile can take the hint. Unfortunately, some guys just don't get it. Either that or they are absolutely disturbed, totally damaged or with criminal intentions.
A Restraining Order can be issued on extreme cases, for the few creeps who are fiercely tenacious, bordering on stalking. If in any case you have not been served a TRO, this does not mean you have hope either.
Here's a list of a few simple and honest indicators:
1.  She avoids all points of contacts. 
You call her. Her phone directs you to voice mail all the time. You leave a message but she never calls back. You try through the Net, but she could have changed her name (probably even Status) on Facebook, Twitter, Google and tumblr or everything else in between. If she keeps her name, your Friend Request will be pending till kingdom come. It's impossible for her to update her twits and be playing games on fb if she was offline, right?
You don't need to check her Phone Directory to see for yourself the name she has assigned for you. It would be plainly spelled out as any of these: Weirdo; Scumbag; Crap Face; Dick the Douche; Joe Creepo; to name a few. 
If she likes you, she'll call back. If you send her a text, she'll reply. If she does and all you get is: "Oh yeah, it's you, lol." Honestly? "lol, yeah" is technically translated to: "NO, I don't like you." Some of us are really just too nice to break it into, "why are you calling me? I don't want you to."  

2.  She tries to be subtle and polite.

If you asked her out and she does not say outright, "Hell, no" BUT she keeps on rescheduling, cancelling or giving excuses about having to check her calendar - nah, she's absolutely cold. You see, we have our priorities, and for things we consider important, we MAKE time. 
You have to at least be more important than a foot scrub. Or are you still buying her excuse that her pooch or cat is sick every Thursday and Friday night, every single week? Get a life.
3. She plays Hopscotch. With You.
She is avoiding all types of physical contact at all costs. We have our personal space and we only allow people into that space that we choose. 
You move one step closer, and she moves one step back ... you try to touch her whilst you speak and she flinches ... you brush your thigh against hers and she nearly pukes ... yep. 
In the rare moments when you could have her alone, all her girlfriends box her out tighter than a full court defence. 'Nuff said.

4. She finds you UN-Funny.

If we happen to like you, no matter how silly, corny or even stupid your joke is, we laugh. Heartily even. We throw our head back, we flip our hair. We'll make it a point to at least smile, even if the joke sucks.If you see a different look on our face similar to a constipated growl, it's time you reconsider.

5. She babbles about her cute crushes, her "hot dates' or the cute guy she just met.

Come on, this is not rocket science. Get used to hearing, "Oh him, yeah, he's a good friend."

Friend zoned.

6. She has a boyfriend/husband/fiancee'/ex/someone else she is sleeping with.

She's attached. She's never ever leaving Mr. Whoever. The odds are against you. She could even be lying about a certain Mr. Whoever just to get rid of you. Whatever it is, you're likely Contingency Plan Number 5, anyway.

7. She always "forgets."

When you think of the female brain, think in terms of elephant brain. We never forget, well hardly ever. If you have made plans with her and then she completely forgets, don't be so stupid! Chances are, there was something better to do, or likely someone better to do -- and it ain't you!

Still not getting it? Here, let me stamp it out for you.

THE PROBLEM WITH HOLIDAYS

Whilst you hum to the tune of "Let It Snow", this year, I want to play the Scrooge and walk you down a couple of things that is wrong, can go wrong and will go wrong.

Now why would I want to ruin your festive season to be merry? Well because there are things that you may need to watch out for.  I have yet to see this season celebrated with minimalism, it seems when the Christmas holidays come in, people tend to go on Maximum Overdrive. (thanks to Stephen King). And yes, the weather outside is absolutely "frightful"! Unless you have missed the holiday shopping bizarre sales!

Oh, so you missed that? Well I hope you are not amongst the few who expect that the season to be merry is also the time to put on your most comical smile and pretend that you are indeed a nice person, when deep within your core, you are reeking with contempt and arrogance. Pfft! People, get real.

Often we feel compelled to be happy because everyone expects us to be. When you feel the exact opposite, do you ask yourself, "what the hell is wrong with me?". Honestly, the fact is, the Holidays can be the most stressful period of the year and for a whole lot of people in this world, the saddest time. "Holiday Blues" are real. Period. Sometimes, the season tends to bring memories, some unpleasant ones, of loved ones lost. A little compassion for those who relapse into grieving should be extended. Some people we know just need to heal, some take a longer time, a few bounce back quickly, and several more, stay scarred.

Plus, not only is it the season of EXPENSES OVERLOAD, it is also the season of RESPONSIBILITIES OVERLOAD! Crazy kids, obligatory parties directly related to obligatory gifts, house guests, menu planning and cooking, decorations, cleaning, money pressures, etc. etc. Look, maybe if you don't really want to, then don't. One of the worst things I have seen, is planning to be perfect this season, and if things do not go as planned, is blaming yourself for the failure, or worse, blaming others! If the economy and politics is disappointing and the government is such a let-down, why expect a perfect holiday?

You'll be surprised how happier you will be to choose only to do what you want to do and not feel obliged to have to do it. Trust me. I said NO to overdecorating this year, after all, I made a mess out of last year's "blinkers'" and I yet have to admit I haven't untangled the mess. Yeah, boo!

One of my all-time favourites, "going broke for the sake of happiness." Why should you yield to the pressure of spending beyond your means and accumulating large credit card balances? What is the point of buying expensive presents and losing track of actual expenses because of merry making? Even Santa Claus (if you believe there's one) has cut down on his reindeer headcount, and if he has to fly, he chooses the budget fare.

Well I'll be ... then you work your butt off for the next 11 months just to give yourself the license to go insane in your shopping with complete abandon once a year? If that gets you off, then fine, this is a free world. I hold myself completely free of accountability when your bills pile up and you jump off a bridge sometime before December 2012. (Mayan Calendar, hello?)

And just because, the season is a good reason to get together with family, do you really have to "open up unresolved family conflicts?" Oh this one just takes the cake. 

It's bad enough that they are all around, but you just can't help yourself, right? There's nothing more delicious than watching Old Divas in a cat-fight, or have an entire clan drive off in the middle of the holiday dinner with their kids in tow, some throwing tantrums as they haven't opened up their presents. There's nothing close to the fun and amusement one can get watching parents treating their adult children as kids, and kids completely ignoring parents' screams and yelps as they completely go hyperactive after tons of sugar overload! Ah, the whole thing is so seductive it's so boring if you are one of the few families I know without any dysfunction! Booyah! And I haven't even started on dessert, the wild gossip whispered around about who is doing what, with whom. and who is the latest to join the single parent's club or who has finally "come out"? I just love family get-togethers during the holidays. It puts Jersey Shore, Gossip Girls, True Blood and the Kardashians in one show!

I love holidays because every season enriches me as a person. That or it makes me laugh myself to tears until I pee in my pants. Maybe I should sound a little helpful so a few reminders wouldn't hurt this post.

1. Watch out for the burning Christmas Tree! It has been proven to be fatal.
2. Fireplace fire. Yeah, this can suck big time.
3. Pets getting ill, humans too. Over feeding. Or overeating. Same outcomes.
4. Kitchen accidents. Burnt cooking or under thawed turkey. Name it.  Murphy's law operates in the kitchen at full blast.
5. You are hosting and you get sick. Just don't get sick. Or don't host. 'Nuff said.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS PEEPS!

What The Hell Are You On A Diet For?

Did you ever ask yourself that ii any of those ridiculous Diet Fads actually  worked, shouldn't the world be full of skinny people? And you'd probably be a skinny Supermodel without any visible cellulite?

NOT a fat, mean joke at all

So you are NOT a supermodel and cellulite is your middle name, let me tell you why your Serial Dieting is a sure FAIL!

First reason, as simple as can be.  Two words.  Think - SHORT TERM. 
DIETING is a very painful, albeit temporary solution. Sure you could shed off a couple of pounds, maybe 5-8 pounds in the first 2 weeks to a month. Well try backsliding into a thin slice of Apple Crumble for dessert and I guarantee, you will see yourself back in that iterative cycle! The yo-yo weight syndrome. Shame on you!

"What is a DIET"?

Second reason and I want you to be honest with your own experiences. 
All dieters are constantly hungry. I mean h-u-n-g-r-y! Some diets even prescribe mini-treats and sweets, since the concept of all diets happen to be the calorie intake, not the calorie burning. So chronic dieters do fasting which is the most ludicrous of all. Sure you lose some, and gain more. haha

BBG

So you fast and you starve, and reason number three is the consequence of the ridiculousness of the first two, you tire easily and succumb to fatigue and lethargy. 
Well, what did you expect? That your diet will make you euphoric? Seriously?

I am just sick and tired of hanging out with girlfriends who are chronic diet disasters. They coo and whimper,"Oh I can't have that, please, that's 980 calories a mouthful"! Dumb bitches. Diets can make your brain fart too, y'know!

Do you know  that diets cannibalize muscle mass? Yes, your body eats itself! 

 “Diets tend to pay too little attention to supporting muscle mass during periods of caloric restriction. This is important for more than just aesthetic reasons. And when you lose muscle, your basal metabolic rate drops, and you don’t burn as many calories. Most guys try to burn off the fat first and then build the muscle. To do that, you have to lower your calories so far that you don’t have the energy to train hard in the gym. You burn more muscle than fat, lowering your metabolic rate and setting the stage for weight gain..."

Yeah, all that mumbo jumbo loosely translated means:

You eat too little. Your metabolism gets retarded. You lose energy. = You look emaciated and ugly.

You see here, I am not suggesting that each day you pig out and go on a food binge. 

Life is all about balance. And the same can be said about trying to build and maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I say lifestyle, not a phase or period.  Lifestyle tends to last a lifetime, not a season, nor just 21 days.

You can only do that by consciously deciding and choosing to live healthy.

If you have weight problems, consult experts on nutrition, fitness and make time to do some simple exercises. 

Walking is good exercise. Walk your pet.  Don't have a pet?  Get one.

Just don't fall in love with the false marketing claims of Quick Fixes. You didn't gain all that weight and body mass quickly.  There's no reason why you should be able to shed them off quickly either.

Plus, remember the principles of chemistry and physics. 

With certain ages, everything tends to be slower. And gravity will always pull you down!

The next time around I hear you calling out, "Oh I'm on a diet!" ... 

Allow me to end your miserable life and introduce you to the most fail safe life-changing people I know ... Mr. Smith and Wesson.  

Are You A Douchebag or An Asshole?

I insist, these terms are more than a matter of preference.  There is value in being able to differentiate what you are dealing with and how to deal with these creeps.  More often than not,  we all fall into one of these categories, some by choice, some by circumstances, others, by sheer genetics.

So which one are you?

And no, this is not a self-help post.  If you happen to be either of these class of creatures, then you are entirely on your own universe.

But what is an asshole, you ask?

An asshole - a person who is rude, arrogant, obnoxious, your boss, my ex-boss, a total dickhead, vile, loathesome, a megalomaniac and loving it; are just a couple of descriptive terms I can think of that may help you wrap your fingers around this type.  Sometimes, you use this to call out certain individuals, sometimes you hear this thrown at you.

But are you a real asshole? Are you the real deal?

Fearless examples:  Everyone at Fox News, Kanye West, Howard Stern, Jesse James, Simon Cowell, Jay Leno, most Nazis, Entire Cast of Jersey Shore ...

Moving on, you may not actually be an asshole, you can probably be a douchebag.

A douchebag - is someone who has surpassed the level of being a jerk and an asshole; a person with an ego bigger than a zeppelin, full of himself/herself, generally behaves like a stupid moron and is absolutely clueless about it;  definitely not an asshole.  

Famous douchebags:  Cristiano Ronaldo, Justine Bieber, members of various Boybands and their screaming fans, Charlie Sheen, hmmm... John Mayer, Tom Cruise, Sarah Palin ... 

Assholes often call people douchebags, the douchebags care little about the label since they are dumb as fuck to know what it means, whilst, the assholes are certainly proud to be assholes.

How do you deal with this freak show?

1. Ignore.
2. Ignore.
3. Laugh at them or make fun of them.
4. Ignore some more.
5. Set them on fire.

DON'T GET MAD, HERE'S HOW TO GET EVEN

(Author's Note:

DISCLAIMER: The information on this post are written up all in the spirit of fun and not to be tried at home. If you can't stop yourself from trying, the author will deny any responsibility and accountability to the choices and actions you make in your life as a result of reading this post. Ad nauseum.)

Have you ever been so mad you choke at your own mouth fluids, your vision blurs and your acid reflux starts to taste sweet? 

ANGER can be emotionally exhausting, physically draining and sometimes when you snap, can be humiliating and embarrassing. (It can also really make you look fugly!)

I understand that there are people who come across your peaceful life that you would like to choke the life out of.  Trust me, I have met more than enough. 
I have a friend who keeps a MUST KILL (Hit) LIST and she has had this list with her since she was 8 years old. The fact that there may be something severely wrong with the psyche of my friend is another matter,but her HIT LIST can likewise be seen as therapeutic. She has mastered the craft of detailing how she will execute these murders someday.

Now back to what I really wanted to say. Why get mad? Get even!
I seriously think there's nothing wrong with mapping out your vengeful carefully thought out plan of action instead of wasting your energy quietly seething and biting your tongue.


Do you have an ANNOYING Boss or Officemate?  Get even by:

1. Invest on a remote control Fart Machine.  The modest investment can bring you priceless returns. Good times!
2. Walk a few paces behind the bastard in the Office, and spray Lysol on everything he/she touches.
3. When your boss/office mate goes to your work station to speak to you, clamp both your hands on your ears, and sing: "lalalalalala .." to the tune of the Batman theme. Or abruptly wear a "protection mask" when you face him.
4. Fill in every coupon, online form etc you can find that is likely to result in junk mail. Use their name and address for delivery. They will have piles and piles of junk mail arriving on a daily basis, virtually forever. NOTE: If you are really vindictive, and your target is  married, then you can also ensure that as many "seedy" and porn type magazine catalogues are included in the mailings sent to them. You can choose his or her Home address or Office address. Either way, it will be fun.
5. Scatter bird seed all over his/her car from hood to bonnet (works very well in an Open Parking Space). Let the birds do their thing.

Do you have a room mate or house mate you want to get even with? Try these:

1. Tooth brush grime (self explanatory and totally gross)
2. When your house mate is on holidays, put a couple of watering pails or large mouth plastic bottles filled with water in his/her clothes cabinet. Add generous handfuls of fast growing grass seeds. Happily and peacefully wait for their return.
3. Install a Password on the phone. Feign ignorance when confronted.
4. Call the Florists. Charge COD. Order as many arrangements as you can with silly and foolish messages. Make sure you are not around on Delivery Dates.
5. Unfaithful partner with an expensive car? Ahh ... check this out

And finally, getting even with your "ex":

1. Get his picture. Post an advert. Ad should read: Specializing in "dubious" services.You can specify the services offered if you wish. Add his contact numbers and email address.
2. Talk to friends of friends. Make sure the news will get to him at some point. Sadly point out his incompetence in bed as the reason why your relationship ended. If you're feeling a little creative, Blog about it. Post the Blog link on your Facebook and Twitter.  Respect his privacy by using only his initials.
3. Post your picture looking extremely happy with your current squeeze. If he has deleted you in his Friends on FB, mail him a copy of the picture
4. If your ex is making a road trip with his current girl, you can choose any of the following options:

• Call local law enforcement and make an anonymous tip that the person is trafficking drugs and these are hidden very well in the car.  Be vague but specific and convincing enough.
• Report the car as stolen. OR. Report that it is your car that is stolen.  That you just left it in front of your Office and is now gone.
• Send a Fax to his Boss stating that he has found a better offer and is tendering his irrevocable resignation.

Of course it is is easy to say "Move on with your life and be happy" but without a doubt, it is much more exhilarating to exact anguish to people who have brought you such.

Collection of my Favourite WTF?

I would like to believe that I hold a pretty high tolerance for almost about anything that can make an average warm-blooded individual stop and make a double-take to say, What In The Freakin' Hell is that?

Sometimes these oddities make me laugh out loud, other times, it makes me re-think if something went terribly wrong with the wiring of brains and sensibilities of people.

However, I have a couple of all-time favourites that range from the really funny to the completely surreal.

Let us start with a picture collection:

Somebody tell me, Who the Fuck is That Dark Entity in the background???

Whoa!  Girl!  Just whoa!

Something totally wrong here.  

There is no way in hell I will remember that, so just forget about it!

I just love "body waves", but is that a wheelchair?

Now, what do you think of the "unforgettable" Celebrity Quotes?

Mariah Carey: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." 

Please stop me, I heard she has just had a kid but I am really dying to choke her!

Christina Aguilera: "So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?" 

Somewhere between the Mouseketeers and "Genie In A Bottle", she lost it.

Britney Spears: "I never really wanted to go to Japan. I don't like eating fish, and I hear that's very popular in Africa."

I know this is very wrong to say, but didn't she shave her head and something else? And America's kids and Media love her to pieces.  Just so wrong.

And of course, how can I forget?

Jessica Simpson: (absolutely not related to Homer or Bart) "I love what you’ve done with the place." (to the Secretary of the Interior at the White House)

My YouTube classics.

Do you play "Call of Duty?"  Well I do and if you do, here's my favourite COD Video that will rock your socks off! 

And a most unique and amusing video clip from Japan that'll surely make you go, WTFH? If you haven't heard of Japanese Synchronized Walking, then you are missing out on a lot of fun!

Little Black-Mini Dress: What Can Go Wrong?

I am in one of those moods again.  I am trying hard NOT to.  But I feel I am being compelled.

I feel like Fashion Fail Blogging!

I just recently had dinner with my friends in some posh restaurant. We couldn't help but notice a thousand and one misses and fails (much to our evil enjoyment) in the wardrobe category of your average street fashion.  

What can absolutely go wrong with the all-powerful "Little Black/Mini Dress" womankind wears for those nights when "we mean risky serious business?"  The goddesses wore them, so why shouldn't we?

My reckless theory is that, the LBMD (Little Black/Mini Dress) does not mix well with the following: plain stupidity; extra large SUVs; poor social graces and alcohol intoxication (not necessarily in this order).

Well, maybe it's just me, but the safest to wear for an all-occasion, when you don't want to make a fashion faux pas and choose to stay classy and safe; is to wear the mighty fail-safe Little Black Dress. Donned with the proper accessories and drop-dead gorgeous shoes, how can anyone miss the goal and go wrong?

Alas, it gets so wrong.  Just wrong, this insight totally moves me to tears.  It makes me want to declare war on women who think with their nail polish and left good graces entirely to the ethereal Princess Grace of Monaco (God bless her soul).  How dare you half-wits?

Let me educate you. 

Primarily on the subject of undergarments.  If you feel that your undies leave "visible pantie lines", at the very least, wear a pantyhose.  Unless of course, you are in the business of "flashing."

I know it feels liberating to be au naturel, but on every occasion that you attend, do you feel you are obligated to go "commando"?  Give me a break!  If some creep comes up to you , grinning and drooling like an imbecile about to get laid, trust me, he peeked.

Additional basic reminders, since 70% of your body is made up of water, it is likely that you sweat, plus even under air-conditioning, we all do  (as a matter of fact, even when you swim dahlin'!).

Yes, "sweat" are those dew-like liquid that comes out from your body's largest organ called the skin, that has pores and sweat glands. They were called "sweat" or perspiration before, last I checked, they are still called sweat until now.  Nothing much has changed in the human physiology even if you have been lipo-suctioned or tummy-tucked.

Silky, sheer clothing apparel tends to stick to your skin when you're sweaty. Having said this, watch out for an up-skirt wedgie. 

The formula is simple: Without a pantyhose + bare sweaty skin = up-skirt wedgie.

An up-skirt wedgie is just one among the many up-skirt mishaps.  

An up-skirt mishap would range from the accidental flashing, to the "skirt is hot dang too short" it displays your uterus when you get off from a car, a stool, or a high seat, when you climb the stairs; or to the plain clueless and stupid, your hemline getting caught by a belt, a garter or any waistband.  The last up-skirt mishap allows strangers to watch your buns for a few minutes before someone courageous (or exhausted from too much laughing) tells you that your buns are publicly exposed.  Need a visual aid? Here, feast your eyes.

Its ridiculous why some of us, and I am not saying all of us, want so badly to be treated with respect and admired for our intelligence and smarts, when we behave this way. If these women can't even get their wardrobe right out in public (as a qualifying distinction), how can demi-goddesses like the few of us keep fighting for our kind, when some women love to sit on their brains?  Damn. It's really tiresome.

I personally will forever keep the sanctity of the Little Black Dress to heart and make it a personal crusade not to become a Fashion Victim.  I hold a few favourites and they are absolute knock-outs matched with a south sea pearl choker, red shoes (or black), black tights, and a little black purse.  More importantly, when I mean serious, or risky business, I am fully "armed." Or haven't you heard of the Art of Seduction?

PS.  Photo credits.Thanks to Chanel and the Artists' Galleries.