Miley's Twerking Balls

It is close to 60 days now, post that controversial and much ballyhooed VMA Awards performance of tween icon, Ms. Miley Cyrus.

What's my piece on it? Absolutely nothing.

I was just having a casual conversation with some girlfriends a couple of days back. And you know how we girls love to talk about anything. Technically, we just love to talk. Sometimes simultaneously and incessantly. And covering expansive breadth and depth in 10 minutes.

Until one of the girls quipped, "Did you see Miley Cyrus? What the hell is wrong with her?"

I could have chosen to ignore that question since I don't give a wet monkey's ass about Miley, but like I said, it was loose talk, y'know.

So I responded rather dryly with; "Y'mean besides being the fugly version of Billy Ray?"

I realized she was referring to the 2013 VMAs (and if you happened to have missed that, you can catch a re-run on Animal Planet, #matingbaboons); I found that our conversation has moved from irrelevant, like comparing a horse's dung  to cow's crap; to totally inane: Miley Cyrus.

Inset shows Taylor Swift's reaction (Dafuq?)

I took the unpopular stand of saying I did not see anything wrong with her cavorting and twerking onstage, nor did I find her stripped naked and licking irons of any particular import in her latest video aptly titled, "Wrecking Ball".  Ergo, the conversation progressed to animated debate.

Screen capture from music video

My point being, unless we will consider ourselves idiotically expecting any better, Miley is a Hollywood by-product. Born within the decade of selfies; social networks that can bully people to commit suicide; a generation that believes they can't be wrong because they know everything; Disney-bred and all that jazz. I mean, if by any lame chance you expected to see an Audrey Hepburn up there, surely you are not of this planet. Seriously? Did you?

It is unfortunate that some parents, mothers included, encouraged their young girls to idolize Disney's "Hannah Montana" and dreamt their babies will grow up to be as rich and possibly as sick as the actor playing it. 

There's nothing wrong with the kids, yet there is something completely wrong somewhere in the parenting. It was a Disney TV series role and that's about the beginning and end of it... just a role. Perhaps what the audience is seeing now is the real Miley Cyrus, her artistry, her music, her soul. Yes, it is rather disconcerting bordering on creepy, but Miley Cyrus isn't Hannah Montana.

Of course there is something totally warped about how Miley (whose real name is ironically Destiny Hope, har de har har snort snort!) turned out to be from that little girl growing up in a farm somewhere in Tennessee. You don't see your average 20-year old young lady cloth in nude coloured undies twerking onstage for international viewing, do you? Well if you do see some, it would not be a lot, and probably some of them will even sue you for uploading a private video on YouTube.

Should that fact bother me? Hell, nope. 

Is it a good enough reason to Blog about it. Hell yeah! Why? Because it is funny. It's funny how some people (well ne-tizens for instance) reacted that it practically exploded the social media networks. It's not a game changer. It's a simple marketing scheme and people bought it. It is funny how we can all be manipulated to react and respond. B.F. Skinner was right. We are living in the world like lab rats. Come on, life is not all about the cheese.

At the end of the day, Destiny Hope got what she wanted. The attention she worked hard to get. And she will definitely give you the finger, oh, then again, her tongue. Carry on.

Oops, wrong insert. I meant this.

That's odd. I could swear they were different.

Being The Best Loser You Can Be

Don't you ever think that to be an all-time Loser is any way a walk in the park. "Winning" is hard work, try being a total loser --- it's an extraordinary feat.

Achieving greatness in life is so commonplace and tacky. Do you have any idea at all how to aspire to be mediocre? And the challenge of sustainability? Consistent mediocrity? You think it's easy?

Well tell you what, I can share with you a few tricks of the trade, if you are serious about becoming a TRUE LOSER. Let me warn you, if you are not careful, you might just have greatness thrown upon you, it pays to be prepared and cautious, otherwise you might just end up failing and start winning.

• Think Loser. Why even attempt at earning a decent means of living? Mooch. You will never run out of family or friends that are suckers for parasites like you. Exhaust this resource.
• Sleep In. Come on, why become a worm and be an early riser? As they say, the general rule is, everything important happens before lunch. So wake up one or two hours AFTER lunch. You don't want to have to catch anything important. Let the distressed strivers take their morning run or walk whilst you snore.
• Be absolutely blameless. If you never step to the plate to take on some responsibility, you will never be at fault. Never say yes to ANY responsibility or even relationships. Relationships require effort, sacrifice, doing things and being inconvenienced, listening to things you don't really want to. So why mess it all up? If you are able to protect yourself this way, then you will never be blamed. Spotless.
• Avoid Failure.  The best way to avoid pain, rejection, frustration and failing is not to try at all. And if by some odd trick of fate you find yourself on the spot, then expect to lose. Just surrender early, no pressure. You have managed to avoid tension, angst, self-doubt, the whole blah-blah.
• Be obnoxious. If you think this is too lame, then be rude. A true blue loser has no friends. If you find yourself getting a wee bit attached to anyone at all, sleep with his boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse (if in case they are too young, sleep with any of his parents); and say something really mean to him/her. That way, anyone who even attempts to be close is within arm's length.

If you can stick by these simple rules of Loser-dom, then you are on your way to becoming the best loser you can be!

Are You A Douchebag or An Asshole?

I insist, these terms are more than a matter of preference.  There is value in being able to differentiate what you are dealing with and how to deal with these creeps.  More often than not,  we all fall into one of these categories, some by choice, some by circumstances, others, by sheer genetics.

So which one are you?

And no, this is not a self-help post.  If you happen to be either of these class of creatures, then you are entirely on your own universe.

But what is an asshole, you ask?

An asshole - a person who is rude, arrogant, obnoxious, your boss, my ex-boss, a total dickhead, vile, loathesome, a megalomaniac and loving it; are just a couple of descriptive terms I can think of that may help you wrap your fingers around this type.  Sometimes, you use this to call out certain individuals, sometimes you hear this thrown at you.

But are you a real asshole? Are you the real deal?

Fearless examples:  Everyone at Fox News, Kanye West, Howard Stern, Jesse James, Simon Cowell, Jay Leno, most Nazis, Entire Cast of Jersey Shore ...

Moving on, you may not actually be an asshole, you can probably be a douchebag.

A douchebag - is someone who has surpassed the level of being a jerk and an asshole; a person with an ego bigger than a zeppelin, full of himself/herself, generally behaves like a stupid moron and is absolutely clueless about it;  definitely not an asshole.  

Famous douchebags:  Cristiano Ronaldo, Justine Bieber, members of various Boybands and their screaming fans, Charlie Sheen, hmmm... John Mayer, Tom Cruise, Sarah Palin ... 

Assholes often call people douchebags, the douchebags care little about the label since they are dumb as fuck to know what it means, whilst, the assholes are certainly proud to be assholes.

How do you deal with this freak show?

1. Ignore.
2. Ignore.
3. Laugh at them or make fun of them.
4. Ignore some more.
5. Set them on fire.

DON'T GET MAD, HERE'S HOW TO GET EVEN

(Author's Note:

DISCLAIMER: The information on this post are written up all in the spirit of fun and not to be tried at home. If you can't stop yourself from trying, the author will deny any responsibility and accountability to the choices and actions you make in your life as a result of reading this post. Ad nauseum.)

Have you ever been so mad you choke at your own mouth fluids, your vision blurs and your acid reflux starts to taste sweet? 

ANGER can be emotionally exhausting, physically draining and sometimes when you snap, can be humiliating and embarrassing. (It can also really make you look fugly!)

I understand that there are people who come across your peaceful life that you would like to choke the life out of.  Trust me, I have met more than enough. 
I have a friend who keeps a MUST KILL (Hit) LIST and she has had this list with her since she was 8 years old. The fact that there may be something severely wrong with the psyche of my friend is another matter,but her HIT LIST can likewise be seen as therapeutic. She has mastered the craft of detailing how she will execute these murders someday.

Now back to what I really wanted to say. Why get mad? Get even!
I seriously think there's nothing wrong with mapping out your vengeful carefully thought out plan of action instead of wasting your energy quietly seething and biting your tongue.


Do you have an ANNOYING Boss or Officemate?  Get even by:

1. Invest on a remote control Fart Machine.  The modest investment can bring you priceless returns. Good times!
2. Walk a few paces behind the bastard in the Office, and spray Lysol on everything he/she touches.
3. When your boss/office mate goes to your work station to speak to you, clamp both your hands on your ears, and sing: "lalalalalala .." to the tune of the Batman theme. Or abruptly wear a "protection mask" when you face him.
4. Fill in every coupon, online form etc you can find that is likely to result in junk mail. Use their name and address for delivery. They will have piles and piles of junk mail arriving on a daily basis, virtually forever. NOTE: If you are really vindictive, and your target is  married, then you can also ensure that as many "seedy" and porn type magazine catalogues are included in the mailings sent to them. You can choose his or her Home address or Office address. Either way, it will be fun.
5. Scatter bird seed all over his/her car from hood to bonnet (works very well in an Open Parking Space). Let the birds do their thing.

Do you have a room mate or house mate you want to get even with? Try these:

1. Tooth brush grime (self explanatory and totally gross)
2. When your house mate is on holidays, put a couple of watering pails or large mouth plastic bottles filled with water in his/her clothes cabinet. Add generous handfuls of fast growing grass seeds. Happily and peacefully wait for their return.
3. Install a Password on the phone. Feign ignorance when confronted.
4. Call the Florists. Charge COD. Order as many arrangements as you can with silly and foolish messages. Make sure you are not around on Delivery Dates.
5. Unfaithful partner with an expensive car? Ahh ... check this out

And finally, getting even with your "ex":

1. Get his picture. Post an advert. Ad should read: Specializing in "dubious" services.You can specify the services offered if you wish. Add his contact numbers and email address.
2. Talk to friends of friends. Make sure the news will get to him at some point. Sadly point out his incompetence in bed as the reason why your relationship ended. If you're feeling a little creative, Blog about it. Post the Blog link on your Facebook and Twitter.  Respect his privacy by using only his initials.
3. Post your picture looking extremely happy with your current squeeze. If he has deleted you in his Friends on FB, mail him a copy of the picture
4. If your ex is making a road trip with his current girl, you can choose any of the following options:

• Call local law enforcement and make an anonymous tip that the person is trafficking drugs and these are hidden very well in the car.  Be vague but specific and convincing enough.
• Report the car as stolen. OR. Report that it is your car that is stolen.  That you just left it in front of your Office and is now gone.
• Send a Fax to his Boss stating that he has found a better offer and is tendering his irrevocable resignation.

Of course it is is easy to say "Move on with your life and be happy" but without a doubt, it is much more exhilarating to exact anguish to people who have brought you such.

Fancy a NAME THE PICTURE GAME?

I got this short, amusing Quiz from a friend who loves silly games such as this one.  However, I failed miserably at it as I managed to guess only around 3-4 in 10 items.

And since I am such a lousy loser, I want to share them with you and see how many right answers you can get.

Much as I would like to promise a Bonus Award to the Top Smarts Dork, meh ...  I am not going to do that. Just consider them as "bragging rights" for having named them all.

As soon as I get 5 - 6 comments/participants, I will post the answers on my Comment Box. Are you ready with your smart cap on? WARNING:  Kids will do better at this, I just know they will.

Let's rock and roll: NAME THE PICTURE IS ON

PICTURE NO. 1

PICTURE NO. 2

PICTURE NO. 3

PICTURE NO. 4

PICTURE NO. 5

PICTURE NO. 6

PICTURE NO. 7

PICTURE NO. 8

PICTURE NO. 9

PICTURE NO. 10
Plus 1000 Bragging Points,
"Hey bartender, give me one of this ..."

They are pretty clever huh?  You man want to give it a shot. ;)


As promised, UPDATE!  I am mighty proud of the brave souls who tried this game and made a Comment.  You'll be surprised as how you are good at this!  Drachma, you're awesome!
Now for the ANSWERS:

1. EGGPLANT
2. DOCTOR PEPPER
3. TAP DANCERS
4. POOL TABLE
5. KING OF POP
6. (Now, hold onto your seats) I (eye) Pod
7. GATOR-AIDE
8. (K)NIGHT MARE
9. (W)HOLE MILK
10. Yup, no less ... LIGHT BEER

Collection of my Favourite WTF?

I would like to believe that I hold a pretty high tolerance for almost about anything that can make an average warm-blooded individual stop and make a double-take to say, What In The Freakin' Hell is that?

Sometimes these oddities make me laugh out loud, other times, it makes me re-think if something went terribly wrong with the wiring of brains and sensibilities of people.

However, I have a couple of all-time favourites that range from the really funny to the completely surreal.

Let us start with a picture collection:

Somebody tell me, Who the Fuck is That Dark Entity in the background???

Whoa!  Girl!  Just whoa!

Something totally wrong here.  

There is no way in hell I will remember that, so just forget about it!

I just love "body waves", but is that a wheelchair?

Now, what do you think of the "unforgettable" Celebrity Quotes?

Mariah Carey: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." 

Please stop me, I heard she has just had a kid but I am really dying to choke her!

Christina Aguilera: "So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?" 

Somewhere between the Mouseketeers and "Genie In A Bottle", she lost it.

Britney Spears: "I never really wanted to go to Japan. I don't like eating fish, and I hear that's very popular in Africa."

I know this is very wrong to say, but didn't she shave her head and something else? And America's kids and Media love her to pieces.  Just so wrong.

And of course, how can I forget?

Jessica Simpson: (absolutely not related to Homer or Bart) "I love what you’ve done with the place." (to the Secretary of the Interior at the White House)

My YouTube classics.

Do you play "Call of Duty?"  Well I do and if you do, here's my favourite COD Video that will rock your socks off! 

And a most unique and amusing video clip from Japan that'll surely make you go, WTFH? If you haven't heard of Japanese Synchronized Walking, then you are missing out on a lot of fun!

Little Black-Mini Dress: What Can Go Wrong?

I am in one of those moods again.  I am trying hard NOT to.  But I feel I am being compelled.

I feel like Fashion Fail Blogging!

I just recently had dinner with my friends in some posh restaurant. We couldn't help but notice a thousand and one misses and fails (much to our evil enjoyment) in the wardrobe category of your average street fashion.  

What can absolutely go wrong with the all-powerful "Little Black/Mini Dress" womankind wears for those nights when "we mean risky serious business?"  The goddesses wore them, so why shouldn't we?

My reckless theory is that, the LBMD (Little Black/Mini Dress) does not mix well with the following: plain stupidity; extra large SUVs; poor social graces and alcohol intoxication (not necessarily in this order).

Well, maybe it's just me, but the safest to wear for an all-occasion, when you don't want to make a fashion faux pas and choose to stay classy and safe; is to wear the mighty fail-safe Little Black Dress. Donned with the proper accessories and drop-dead gorgeous shoes, how can anyone miss the goal and go wrong?

Alas, it gets so wrong.  Just wrong, this insight totally moves me to tears.  It makes me want to declare war on women who think with their nail polish and left good graces entirely to the ethereal Princess Grace of Monaco (God bless her soul).  How dare you half-wits?

Let me educate you. 

Primarily on the subject of undergarments.  If you feel that your undies leave "visible pantie lines", at the very least, wear a pantyhose.  Unless of course, you are in the business of "flashing."

I know it feels liberating to be au naturel, but on every occasion that you attend, do you feel you are obligated to go "commando"?  Give me a break!  If some creep comes up to you , grinning and drooling like an imbecile about to get laid, trust me, he peeked.

Additional basic reminders, since 70% of your body is made up of water, it is likely that you sweat, plus even under air-conditioning, we all do  (as a matter of fact, even when you swim dahlin'!).

Yes, "sweat" are those dew-like liquid that comes out from your body's largest organ called the skin, that has pores and sweat glands. They were called "sweat" or perspiration before, last I checked, they are still called sweat until now.  Nothing much has changed in the human physiology even if you have been lipo-suctioned or tummy-tucked.

Silky, sheer clothing apparel tends to stick to your skin when you're sweaty. Having said this, watch out for an up-skirt wedgie. 

The formula is simple: Without a pantyhose + bare sweaty skin = up-skirt wedgie.

An up-skirt wedgie is just one among the many up-skirt mishaps.  

An up-skirt mishap would range from the accidental flashing, to the "skirt is hot dang too short" it displays your uterus when you get off from a car, a stool, or a high seat, when you climb the stairs; or to the plain clueless and stupid, your hemline getting caught by a belt, a garter or any waistband.  The last up-skirt mishap allows strangers to watch your buns for a few minutes before someone courageous (or exhausted from too much laughing) tells you that your buns are publicly exposed.  Need a visual aid? Here, feast your eyes.

Its ridiculous why some of us, and I am not saying all of us, want so badly to be treated with respect and admired for our intelligence and smarts, when we behave this way. If these women can't even get their wardrobe right out in public (as a qualifying distinction), how can demi-goddesses like the few of us keep fighting for our kind, when some women love to sit on their brains?  Damn. It's really tiresome.

I personally will forever keep the sanctity of the Little Black Dress to heart and make it a personal crusade not to become a Fashion Victim.  I hold a few favourites and they are absolute knock-outs matched with a south sea pearl choker, red shoes (or black), black tights, and a little black purse.  More importantly, when I mean serious, or risky business, I am fully "armed." Or haven't you heard of the Art of Seduction?

PS.  Photo credits.Thanks to Chanel and the Artists' Galleries.

Things To Ponder

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those

little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing

section in a swimming pool?

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3.  OK..... So if the  Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags'

and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,'  what does

that make the Tennessee Titans?

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4.  If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one

enjoys it?

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5.  There are three religious truths:

        a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

    c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

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6.   If people from  Poland  are called Poles, why aren't people from

Holland  called Holes?

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7.  If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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8.   Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale

bread to begin with?

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9  Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person

who drives a race car is not called a racist?

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10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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11.   If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it

follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys

deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners

depressed?

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12.  If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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13.   Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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14.   What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of  bald men?

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15.   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole

lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming

for their final exam.

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16.  I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little

spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?

Toothpicks?

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17.   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?

What are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the

mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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18.  If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly

are the others here for?

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19.   You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive!

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21.   Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

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22.   If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

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23.   Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

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24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two

words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells   .....'THEIRS'?

All in the spirit of fun!