Being The Best Loser You Can Be

Don't you ever think that to be an all-time Loser is any way a walk in the park. "Winning" is hard work, try being a total loser --- it's an extraordinary feat.

Achieving greatness in life is so commonplace and tacky. Do you have any idea at all how to aspire to be mediocre? And the challenge of sustainability? Consistent mediocrity? You think it's easy?

Well tell you what, I can share with you a few tricks of the trade, if you are serious about becoming a TRUE LOSER. Let me warn you, if you are not careful, you might just have greatness thrown upon you, it pays to be prepared and cautious, otherwise you might just end up failing and start winning.

• Think Loser. Why even attempt at earning a decent means of living? Mooch. You will never run out of family or friends that are suckers for parasites like you. Exhaust this resource.
• Sleep In. Come on, why become a worm and be an early riser? As they say, the general rule is, everything important happens before lunch. So wake up one or two hours AFTER lunch. You don't want to have to catch anything important. Let the distressed strivers take their morning run or walk whilst you snore.
• Be absolutely blameless. If you never step to the plate to take on some responsibility, you will never be at fault. Never say yes to ANY responsibility or even relationships. Relationships require effort, sacrifice, doing things and being inconvenienced, listening to things you don't really want to. So why mess it all up? If you are able to protect yourself this way, then you will never be blamed. Spotless.
• Avoid Failure.  The best way to avoid pain, rejection, frustration and failing is not to try at all. And if by some odd trick of fate you find yourself on the spot, then expect to lose. Just surrender early, no pressure. You have managed to avoid tension, angst, self-doubt, the whole blah-blah.
• Be obnoxious. If you think this is too lame, then be rude. A true blue loser has no friends. If you find yourself getting a wee bit attached to anyone at all, sleep with his boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse (if in case they are too young, sleep with any of his parents); and say something really mean to him/her. That way, anyone who even attempts to be close is within arm's length.

If you can stick by these simple rules of Loser-dom, then you are on your way to becoming the best loser you can be!

She's Just NOT Into You

I decided to post about this subject mainly to even out the playing field. I find the rules of engagement rather skewed towards the other gender. As I recall, they even made a book and movie out of "He's Not Just That Into You" and probably even killed it.
Well it's about time someone from the other side of the planet wrote something truthfully (or close enough) to spell this out, in the most simple terms as possible for easy read and hopefully, understanding.
I know, it's being ambitious. 
Arguably, our exceptional species find it difficult to decide amongst things or people that we actually LIKE. However, when we DON'T like, it's pretty much written on the walls in bold letters. Even a crocodile can take the hint. Unfortunately, some guys just don't get it. Either that or they are absolutely disturbed, totally damaged or with criminal intentions.
A Restraining Order can be issued on extreme cases, for the few creeps who are fiercely tenacious, bordering on stalking. If in any case you have not been served a TRO, this does not mean you have hope either.
Here's a list of a few simple and honest indicators:
1.  She avoids all points of contacts. 
You call her. Her phone directs you to voice mail all the time. You leave a message but she never calls back. You try through the Net, but she could have changed her name (probably even Status) on Facebook, Twitter, Google and tumblr or everything else in between. If she keeps her name, your Friend Request will be pending till kingdom come. It's impossible for her to update her twits and be playing games on fb if she was offline, right?
You don't need to check her Phone Directory to see for yourself the name she has assigned for you. It would be plainly spelled out as any of these: Weirdo; Scumbag; Crap Face; Dick the Douche; Joe Creepo; to name a few. 
If she likes you, she'll call back. If you send her a text, she'll reply. If she does and all you get is: "Oh yeah, it's you, lol." Honestly? "lol, yeah" is technically translated to: "NO, I don't like you." Some of us are really just too nice to break it into, "why are you calling me? I don't want you to."  

2.  She tries to be subtle and polite.

If you asked her out and she does not say outright, "Hell, no" BUT she keeps on rescheduling, cancelling or giving excuses about having to check her calendar - nah, she's absolutely cold. You see, we have our priorities, and for things we consider important, we MAKE time. 
You have to at least be more important than a foot scrub. Or are you still buying her excuse that her pooch or cat is sick every Thursday and Friday night, every single week? Get a life.
3. She plays Hopscotch. With You.
She is avoiding all types of physical contact at all costs. We have our personal space and we only allow people into that space that we choose. 
You move one step closer, and she moves one step back ... you try to touch her whilst you speak and she flinches ... you brush your thigh against hers and she nearly pukes ... yep. 
In the rare moments when you could have her alone, all her girlfriends box her out tighter than a full court defence. 'Nuff said.

4. She finds you UN-Funny.

If we happen to like you, no matter how silly, corny or even stupid your joke is, we laugh. Heartily even. We throw our head back, we flip our hair. We'll make it a point to at least smile, even if the joke sucks.If you see a different look on our face similar to a constipated growl, it's time you reconsider.

5. She babbles about her cute crushes, her "hot dates' or the cute guy she just met.

Come on, this is not rocket science. Get used to hearing, "Oh him, yeah, he's a good friend."

Friend zoned.

6. She has a boyfriend/husband/fiancee'/ex/someone else she is sleeping with.

She's attached. She's never ever leaving Mr. Whoever. The odds are against you. She could even be lying about a certain Mr. Whoever just to get rid of you. Whatever it is, you're likely Contingency Plan Number 5, anyway.

7. She always "forgets."

When you think of the female brain, think in terms of elephant brain. We never forget, well hardly ever. If you have made plans with her and then she completely forgets, don't be so stupid! Chances are, there was something better to do, or likely someone better to do -- and it ain't you!

Still not getting it? Here, let me stamp it out for you.