Just Sayin'

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Being The Best Loser You Can Be

Don't you ever think that to be an all-time Loser is any way a walk in the park. "Winning" is hard work, try being a total loser --- it's an extraordinary feat.

Achieving greatness in life is so commonplace and tacky. Do you have any idea at all how to aspire to be mediocre? And the challenge of sustainability? Consistent mediocrity? You think it's easy?

Well tell you what, I can share with you a few tricks of the trade, if you are serious about becoming a TRUE LOSER. Let me warn you, if you are not careful, you might just have greatness thrown upon you, it pays to be prepared and cautious, otherwise you might just end up failing and start winning.

  • Think Loser. Why even attempt at earning a decent means of living? Mooch. You will never run out of family or friends that are suckers for parasites like you. Exhaust this resource.
  • Sleep In. Come on, why become a worm and be an early riser? As they say, the general rule is, everything important happens before lunch. So wake up one or two hours AFTER lunch. You don't want to have to catch anything important. Let the distressed strivers take their morning run or walk whilst you snore.
  • Be absolutely blameless. If you never step to the plate to take on some responsibility, you will never be at fault. Never say yes to ANY responsibility or even relationships. Relationships require effort, sacrifice, doing things and being inconvenienced, listening to things you don't really want to. So why mess it all up? If you are able to protect yourself this way, then you will never be blamed. Spotless.
  • Avoid Failure.  The best way to avoid pain, rejection, frustration and failing is not to try at all. And if by some odd trick of fate you find yourself on the spot, then expect to lose. Just surrender early, no pressure. You have managed to avoid tension, angst, self-doubt, the whole blah-blah.
  • Be obnoxious. If you think this is too lame, then be rude. A true blue loser has no friends. If you find yourself getting a wee bit attached to anyone at all, sleep with his boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse (if in case they are too young, sleep with any of his parents); and say something really mean to him/her. That way, anyone who even attempts to be close is within arm's length.
If you can stick by these simple rules of Loser-dom, then you are on your way to becoming the best loser you can be!


  1. Hey PB, I didn't know you knew my ex!!!!

  2. Damn Lily, your ex is my brother in law?! Great post PB makes me want to print it out on small cards and hand it to the Friday and Saturday night regulars that come through the ER.

  3. I used to be a winner, much to my disgust, and then I followed these steps. Now people marvel at my loser-ness Thanks PB

  4. You cracked me up. I needed some loser-directions. I was too winning I guess...

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  6. I enjoyed reading this article. It was something different.