Just Sayin'

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Why Look Stupid When You Can Take Alcohol Like A Pro?

It really gets me when I go out with my friends, and the one who seems to boast the most about being able to drink like a fish, end up in different states of drunken-"mess".  Do you notice that the guy who says he has the loudest "bang" in the gang almost always ends up to be the guy who whimpers?  Yes, he is pretty much like the guy who keeps pushing the line and likely to end, "Bottoms up!"
I need my Momma!
I had the "pleasure" of working for a food and beverage company, and part of the beverages are your bar staples.  The business was simple, we made and sold or distributed different types of bottled alcohol - hell, if I'm not mistaken, we monopolized the world market of scotch whiskey, clear vodka, gin, tequila, liqueur, etc..  I would be lying if I will say these were not the best three years of my life.  The first month of work in that foggy, dreary land, required a full-month of Orientation to understand the evils of Alcoholism, Drunk Driving, and the lot.  I treasured the information that I acquired and let me share a bit of that here -- on taking alcohol.  

First off, if you're not 18 years old, go play with your pets or toys,  and get out of this post!

Okay now, moving on.
Whatever is your preferred drink of choice, or poison, if you are the typical "event" or the party and occasional drinker, you must be aware that on the first few rounds when the alcohol gets into your system; your body (as in your physiology) is unable to immediately detect that the substance you induced into your system is alcohol.  
Why? Your body initially reacts to alcohol like it would generally react to large doses or intake of sweets, for instance, ice cream, cakes, candies and chocolates.  If you have ever done a dessert binge in a huge buffet, you would know how this feels.  The natural human alarm system is dulled by the sugar overload.  In case a few of you are unaware, (am sure the chemical nerds will back me on this one); alcohol and sugar are directly related to carbohydrates.  And what you actually enjoy in your favorite drink is sugar alcohol.  Same reason it is able to camouflage itself in your system.  This should explain some of the erratic behaviors we see when people who drink in parties can't seem to stop after a few rounds.  They feel everything is under control.
Happy giddy stage
The next stage, and when it hits you, is highly relative.  Additionally, it is largely based on your overall physiological make-up.  However, the critical tell-tale signs are pretty much the same across the universe.  When you notice that you are getting a bit flushed, that warm sensation that starts from the chest, neck, up to the face and cheeks; some people also feel their ears tingle with heat; you may also feel a little bit light-headed, giddy; everything around you appears to be like your favorite happy place when you were a child; you may likewise start grinning too much; appear to be a little too happy; laughing loudly at a totally rotten joke and the laughing itself tickles you; you feel a natural "high" like a rush of adrenalin - now this is the level of alcohol intake that triggers your body's NATURAL ALARM system.  Immediately, your brain dispatches your blood soldiers, releases the siren and sends in the paratroopers; your brain is trying to tell you (if you're still there), this message: INTRUDER ALERT!  INTRUDER ALERT!  

This is the point of reckoning.  Your body now recognizes the culprit, it's alcohol, and this is the best time to "manage it".

As a general rule, you can either manage your alcohol or let it completely manage you.  There are no gray areas here.  And even if there are, in your case, don't push your luck.

Hanging Cases
I take the path of managing, that's how I learned to drink with panache' like a professional.  I have taken the path of humiliation twice, and I told myself, the third time it happens, I would never, ever be able to forgive myself again.
How to Manage?
When you start feeling this wooziness, the first thing to do, is to stop drinking. 
But the party's not over yet, you argue.  Okay, I understand.  If you can't stop, then drink cold water.  Please, not caffeine.  Caffeine will only add confusion to your already disoriented physiology. Just plain H20.  Cold water.  The best diuretic in the world. 

Ahhh... home!
 I don't mean this water. (see picture on right)
If you are not a water person, and your bottled water of choice is Evian, you are likely to pay the same amount as your next round; you can try this instead ---

Walk around a bit, or better yet, dance! Sweat out the toxins.  Laugh out loud.  Keep moving, don't dwell on the giddiness.  This will help clear your head, and in a few minutes, you will get your second wind.
Some guys I know, extend their peak cycle by invoking Captain Hook. But I will not even go there.  That is just so repulsive!

Manage the alcohol.
It should never be stronger than you.  Occasional drinking with your buddies can really be a lot of fun and actually "humiliation"- free.  
And just because you can manage your drinking sprees, you are entitled to abuse the substance.  I am not asking you to ascribe to that either.
Last and most important point, if you plan to drink on an event, please don't drive. Have a designated driver.  A buddy/mate that will gladly take you back home in one piece. You will never know if the life you will be saving is yours.

Those aren't my car keys ... teehee


  1. Very good Blog. My family is in wine making. Red or White Wine have very similar effects even if the alcohol content is low, the sugar content is high. Fructose. Water is the best antidote. A glass of wine a day is good for you.

  2. Ooooh, been that idiot once. *cringe* and really WISH I could have blacked out because my memories are not kind, and of course good friends got it all on camera. FML. At least only me and those who caught the live show saw it, then, at my request, he erased it. I did not end up on youtube or anything equally humiliating.

  3. Great educational post. Where I come from, I am not used to seeing people get drunk and wasted. I used to not understand why people would want to get to that point. But you grow up and see different things and slowly It makes sense. Too much sense so you forget your original inhibitions. I am proud to say it's never happened to me, especially after reading this.

  4. Ha ha. Been there done that too many times to count when I was younger. ;p

  5. Thank you Trickie. I really prefer red wine, however, it has a more intoxicating effect on me than my other poisons. Should be a subject of an Adult post later. :)

    Jamie - it's how your friends immortalize it by capturing it on vid or taking a photograph! Ugh! Nasty reminder!

    Diablesse - you come from that part of the world where alcohol tolerance is high. You should visit Japan, I think they are genetically structured to be unable to hold alcohol in their system. Just saying.

    Het Mr. T - I can only imagine. I had 2 major episodes, I still shudder at the recollection.

  6. LOL... unfortunately, I've been there a couple times. But it's always funny to see other peoples drunken states...haha!

  7. I had a friend that really did drink like a fish. All day, every day. Don't know how he didn't kill himself, honestly. He could really hold his drink too, until the point when he DID get drunk, and then it was BAD. Like blackout and memory loss bad.


  8. Great post. Yep, I guess the best thing would be to, when you feel those drunken effects, stop drinking. Unfortunately, this is usually what people fail to do.

    Love the Paris pic he he.