Little Black-Mini Dress: What Can Go Wrong?

I am in one of those moods again.  I am trying hard NOT to.  But I feel I am being compelled.

I feel like Fashion Fail Blogging!

I just recently had dinner with my friends in some posh restaurant. We couldn't help but notice a thousand and one misses and fails (much to our evil enjoyment) in the wardrobe category of your average street fashion.  

What can absolutely go wrong with the all-powerful "Little Black/Mini Dress" womankind wears for those nights when "we mean risky serious business?"  The goddesses wore them, so why shouldn't we?

My reckless theory is that, the LBMD (Little Black/Mini Dress) does not mix well with the following: plain stupidity; extra large SUVs; poor social graces and alcohol intoxication (not necessarily in this order).

Well, maybe it's just me, but the safest to wear for an all-occasion, when you don't want to make a fashion faux pas and choose to stay classy and safe; is to wear the mighty fail-safe Little Black Dress. Donned with the proper accessories and drop-dead gorgeous shoes, how can anyone miss the goal and go wrong?

Alas, it gets so wrong.  Just wrong, this insight totally moves me to tears.  It makes me want to declare war on women who think with their nail polish and left good graces entirely to the ethereal Princess Grace of Monaco (God bless her soul).  How dare you half-wits?

Let me educate you. 

Primarily on the subject of undergarments.  If you feel that your undies leave "visible pantie lines", at the very least, wear a pantyhose.  Unless of course, you are in the business of "flashing."

I know it feels liberating to be au naturel, but on every occasion that you attend, do you feel you are obligated to go "commando"?  Give me a break!  If some creep comes up to you , grinning and drooling like an imbecile about to get laid, trust me, he peeked.

Additional basic reminders, since 70% of your body is made up of water, it is likely that you sweat, plus even under air-conditioning, we all do  (as a matter of fact, even when you swim dahlin'!).

Yes, "sweat" are those dew-like liquid that comes out from your body's largest organ called the skin, that has pores and sweat glands. They were called "sweat" or perspiration before, last I checked, they are still called sweat until now.  Nothing much has changed in the human physiology even if you have been lipo-suctioned or tummy-tucked.

Silky, sheer clothing apparel tends to stick to your skin when you're sweaty. Having said this, watch out for an up-skirt wedgie. 

The formula is simple: Without a pantyhose + bare sweaty skin = up-skirt wedgie.

An up-skirt wedgie is just one among the many up-skirt mishaps.  

An up-skirt mishap would range from the accidental flashing, to the "skirt is hot dang too short" it displays your uterus when you get off from a car, a stool, or a high seat, when you climb the stairs; or to the plain clueless and stupid, your hemline getting caught by a belt, a garter or any waistband.  The last up-skirt mishap allows strangers to watch your buns for a few minutes before someone courageous (or exhausted from too much laughing) tells you that your buns are publicly exposed.  Need a visual aid? Here, feast your eyes.

Its ridiculous why some of us, and I am not saying all of us, want so badly to be treated with respect and admired for our intelligence and smarts, when we behave this way. If these women can't even get their wardrobe right out in public (as a qualifying distinction), how can demi-goddesses like the few of us keep fighting for our kind, when some women love to sit on their brains?  Damn. It's really tiresome.

I personally will forever keep the sanctity of the Little Black Dress to heart and make it a personal crusade not to become a Fashion Victim.  I hold a few favourites and they are absolute knock-outs matched with a south sea pearl choker, red shoes (or black), black tights, and a little black purse.  More importantly, when I mean serious, or risky business, I am fully "armed." Or haven't you heard of the Art of Seduction?

PS.  Photo credits.Thanks to Chanel and the Artists' Galleries.

Things To Ponder

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those

little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing

section in a swimming pool?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3.  OK..... So if the  Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags'

and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,'  what does

that make the Tennessee Titans?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4.  If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one

enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5.  There are three religious truths:

        a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

    c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6.   If people from  Poland  are called Poles, why aren't people from

Holland  called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7.  If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

8.   Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale

bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

9  Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person

who drives a race car is not called a racist?

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11.   If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it

follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys

deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners

depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*

12.  If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13.   Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14.   What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of  bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15.   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole

lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming

for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16.  I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little

spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?

Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17.   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?

What are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the

mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*

18.  If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly

are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19.   You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21.   Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22.   If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23.   Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two

words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells   .....'THEIRS'?

All in the spirit of fun!

Remembering Brianna Lopez: February 14, 2002 - July 19, 2002

I was casually reading and catching up on unread Blogs.  Then I read Anna's post. My Angry Life where she mentioned a brief note on the short-lived life of baby Brianna Lopez. I immediately choked up again as Brianna's story never fails to make me sob and cry unashamedly.If you have never heard of this little angel's tragic and sad life, you can read up a very short synopsis of this indescribable, heinous story of the evil of mankind with this link: Right In a Left World. In a couple of days, Brianna  would have been a lovely 9 year-old girl.  Except the world was just too wrong for her, too cruel.  I have yet to know of a baby so unloved; was never hugged or touched gently, that God decided to take her spirit right back because she did not deserve this world.  She deserves so much better than what we gave her. Abused, beaten, bitten and raped as a baby, she did not stand a chance.  If your heart is weak, I will spare you of the gory, appalling and disgusting details.  But remember Brianna.  Remember how cruel and evil we are as creatures.  Not humans.  Just creatures.  Try to remember her and recognize your own darkness.  Because only then will you know that you can embrace the light.To the little angel that passed through the cruel hands of man, Brianna, you deserve to be free.
I wish you all love and Shalom!

My Most Annoying Series - Chapter 3

Since I am pretty sure I don't have a lot of "family" members who are "Followers", I made up a list of Annoying Things about house guests and eccentricities and quirks of certain family members that can teeter between nasty to disturbing.

This reminds me of a mutated movie I would fondly call as, "When The Fockers Met The Incredibles."

Let me start with the number 1 thing that totally gets me when there are house guests:

• Piles of dirty dishes that never seem to end.  Leaving so much mess and not even enough decency to clean up their own.  (I am sure they aren't this messy when they're in their own home, or are they?)
• Oh sometimes, the guests bring their kids.  You know, those little creatures that throw a chewed bubble gum on your hair then when it gets stuck, they laugh like possessed banshees? Imagine house guests that travel with kids between the age range of 3 - 11 years old?  My Mom said they are family so I should try to be nice. (She must be kidding.  I'd rather deny any blood affinity with those monsters.)  
• The guests' kids fighting, crying and screaming. I could barely say, "Aww, that's cute!" (This is not your house and I would love to call 911 to report "host battery and abuse!")
• Did they say 3 days or 3 weeks?  (That's it, I am staying in a hotel)
• Look, honestly, I am a good person and I am generally warm and loving.  However there is another type of house guests - visiting family. If I have been driving around everyday for a week to fulfil the silly bunch of widowed Aunties and Unmarried older cousins I call, Old Swingles',  dream fantasy shopping and salon sprees; (with my Mom in tow so I can't say NO), I can only take on so much.  I believe over-exposure to stupid banters, PMS cat-fights, Hollywood gossip, political impasse', back-stabbing stories and blame putting on "who passed gas again in an air-conditioned SUV" can be hazardous for any one's health.  It could even be carcinogenic.

• You know what the worst part is, when the house guests can't decide where to go. My Aunts for instance will say, "Wherever and whatever is fine" and you take the liberty of choosing an activity like a rabid event manager. The moment you get to the place of your choice, they start with endless "editorials" and rather insulting "quips".  (I think the crime is called multiple counts of murder, so I stay calm and composed while I quietly suffer from acid reflux.)
• Sometimes however, guests can be pretty generous and they are travel ready to spend.  I love those Aunts and Uncles.  I never turn down an offer when they want to foot the bill for petrol or dining and shopping for souvenirs. There are a few who play the "endless" shuffle with you as to who got his credit card first.   I play this shuffle very well. I leave my entire wallet at home, I put my Driver's License in the pocket of my jeans, and pretend I am an honest-to-goodness chauffeur. Hah!  Sue me.  
• I don't mind the "personal chauffeur" role, but I hate "clingy" guests.  ("Of course we've been here twice, because the third time around, you are going on your own!")
• Conversations with jet-lagged people?  I don't.  I give them a small pocket book on Word Puzzles and Anagrams or Soduku.  And I go on my peaceful life.
• Fine, so they can't sleep.  But how long do I have to put up with the raucous?  iPods don't drown them when what I really need is some peaceful sleep.
• Phone bills.  Maybe I should set the standard rates including calls made from my mobile phone, what do you think?
• Messing with my pets.  They are my pets and I love them. (If you touch them again and  dream that you can mess with their heads, I will have to introduce you to my little friend - said in the typical Pacino drawl)

Say Hello To My Little Friend

My MOST ANNOYING Series - Chapter 2

I am just getting warmed up, y'know.  I want to rant about the things that annoy me most about people's behaviours in public places. There are days when I feel like just torching their sorry asses so at least there is something I can laugh about. You see here, it's not that I totally get annoyed all the time and I explode into flames. There are just days when it is very hard to ignore them.  

For instance, when eating or dining outside, I find these as the most disturbing things people do and other oddities that are annoying that you can easily spot, because they are just ...there:

• People with really bad table manners and are noisy eaters. I was told about this in Kinder class when we used to play bubbles with our drool and soup. I never really forgot, but these people just totally did!
• People who bite into large giga-chunks of food and chew these with their mouth open!
• People who whinge and whine about their weight whilst you watch them devour pure unadulterated greasy meals, their mouth laced with coloured sauces and oil.  Just uggh!
• Dining with an extremely "picky" eater.  I have also learned through some short stint with a hotel and restaurant business, that you MUST never be too picky and condescend on waiters that serve you. (Unless you know what is going on in the kitchen, never, ever dare!)  

• People who take forever to order in a fast food counter, especially when I'm in the line of a queue that has grown to over 2 dozen irate customers!
• People in dining areas who suddenly sneeze or cough without at least attempting to cover their mouth with a napkin or a tissue or even their hands.  It's just ewww! (Some attempt to cover their sneeze with their hands, but the dreadful thing happens when they wipe the slosh on their coats or pants! Good lord!)
• Running out of toilet rolls and paper towels in a public restaurant's rest rooms!
• Waiters/Waitresses who hold the lips of glasses before they serve it to you.  And I am scared of complaining because I know what they can do... arrgghh!
• Customers who leave the door open when they are in the public loo.  Godawful!
• Bad hygiene in a public loo.  'Nuff said.
• "Excessive" PDA.  I mean "excessive", go figure!  This relates closely to loud and "vulgar" talk/speak - their voices are heard above the din and clutter.  I don't want to listen but I can hear it!
• When the Cashier gives you the change in small bills and coins on top of the wad of bills.  It takes a moment to organize these back into your wallet or pocket and it honestly makes you look like a fool.
• Bars where the music is way too damn loud, you step out of it with your ears buzzing and a sore throat.
• I understand it is part of the whole training and marketing bit, but when someone recites TODAY's Specials to me and I have to particularly feign some interest. It is honestly downright tiring to keep a smile on my face.
• Restaurants that have a Smoking Section about three steps away from the Non-Smoking Section.  The exchange of looks between the Smokers and Non-Smokers can start the Third World War!  What in the world ...?
• Just when you thought you got the perfect spot in a dining area, you comfortably plop on your seat, breathe in, look around, and then the table wobbles!

I could go on and on, but I also don't want to torture myself with these thoughts so I better rest it.  Maybe next time, I will talk about Annoying House Guests or Annoying Habits of My Friends. Hah!  And the list goes on ...

My MOST ANNOYING Series, Chapter 1

Whutchalookinat?

I thought I would come up with a series of Posts that would speak about the things that ANNOY me most, in varying circumstances.  Like the most annoying things people do on the road or in the mall; in public restaurants; on email; with their pets; or just plain annoying.

Part 1 will be devoted to things that ANNOY me most that people do on the road and morons who have a Drivers' License.

Here goes my top list of the Most Annoying Things Drivers/Morons do:

• Drivers who tailgate.  (WTF? are you with me?)
• Jerks who park and take two driving spaces.  (makes me want to take up "how to plant C4 and make it implode instead of explode")
• Major creepers that inch their car slowly, slowly, watching out for the red signal to turn green, then BAM! They'll be way ahead of a pack when the light says "Go!" and they actually feel so special having done that! (One word:  Idiots!)
• Driving slow in a fast lane.  (Just because they are stupid.)
• People who talk way too loud on their mobile phones in restaurants, trains, bus stops, wherever ... notice that they mutate and increase in population? They're everywhere!
• People who put their feet up on dashboards and car windows.  Ugh!  Several have really hideous looking feet, bur more importantly, it's totally uncouth and barbaric!
• When you're driving on the road and a cigarette butt comes out of the window of a car and bounces off your car. (Grrr ... release the ammo!)
• Road rage.  Directly related to zig-zag drivers on the free-way.
• People who think double parking is a norm.
• People who have never heard of the use of turn signals then they suddenly cut you off, even curse you or other drivers in the process! 
• People who pick their noses in traffic.  They don't care how deep they explore and how unhygienic it is to see what happens next when they finally get the stubborn booger!
• People sitting at a red light and stay there because they haven't seen the "red" light change to "green" since they are too busy talking on their cellphones or texting.  (Go to hell, fucktards!)
• DRUNK DRIVING.

I am sure there a lot more you can add to this list.

Watch out for Part 2 - Annoying Things People Do in Public, or things people do that make you go, What The?